i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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