not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
