I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
