That's intense
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
