based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
