god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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