i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
