I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
