She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
