Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
