if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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