Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
