Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
