and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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