Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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