I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
