U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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