Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
me + whiskey = a bad person
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
