Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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