My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
