Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
