just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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