I got chris browned last night
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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