Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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