Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
