In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
