So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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