new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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