I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
