You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
