end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
