you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
