my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You made out with two different species that night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
