I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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