i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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