If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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