i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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