I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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