I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
