Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
