if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
