Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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