i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
