apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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