It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
