it wasn't lemon gatorade
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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