stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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