bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
