allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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