This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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